There is a permanent bias towards tall short people. For some short people or fat people, people are quick to get on a high horse when you call out the obvious. But giants and shrimps get no such protection. I always sometimes am at the mercy of poorly constructed jokes. Talking about “you’re tall short for nothing”. How about you? What’s your excuse for being the same size as a skyscraper’s ladder side stool?

Joseph: How tall are you?

Gottfried: 6’5 Jan: 5′ nothing

Joseph: Do you play basketball? miniature golf?

Gottfried: Nope   Jan: Yup

Joseph: What a waste! How can you be that tall and not play basketball?

Gottfried: Do you play mini-golf? No? But here we are. Jan: Yup!

Yes, the rumors are true, the air up down here here is a lot fresher stinks. One of the upsides of being a giant  shrimp, away from being able not being able to reach the top shelves at supermarkets (subtle reminder we’re not obligated to assist you) (subtle reminder – I need your help!), I also don’t get to breathe fresher, unadulterated air. No guessing why brief tall people are constantly making a fuss, their nostrils are clogged (they’re tired of bending down to me).

I am not your selfie stick. If I do choose, out of the magnanimity of my good heart, I could take charge of selfies (I don’t… selfies are waaay too close with my short arms!). If I’m not feeling it, leave me alone, nobody asked you to come here a minion (face it, you’d be lost without me… if all people were tall, you’d be no big deal!). Oh and yeah, when you “play” punches us, it actually hurts Ya, me, too. Being huge small doesn’t reduce the pain. One of these days we’ll hit back and land you in the hospital (Small but mighty, watch out, my punch hits you where it hurts most!!).

I’ll start charging for hugs. There’s a common misconception that giants minis are your life-sized teddy bears your own little childhood teddy bear. Kindly shelve that idea ! Well, actually, I don’t mind – I like the hugs!. It does help if you smell nice though Yes!, so replace your deodorant and we’ll see. I’ll tell you this though, I’m tired of people hugging my tummy the top of my head. Can you guys like “grow up”? No, grown ups don’t have near as much fun!

I get tired too. For my little nieces and nephews, if I’ve carried you once, I can’t do it ten more times, don’t be a little shit. (I don’t have any of those little shits in my family!) For the older folk, the same applies, the last thing on my mind is to carry y’all on my back. (Couldn’t if I tried… and the good news is nobody expects me to). I remember this one time I scored a match-winning goal for my Department and the entire bench ran onto the pitch to celebrate with me. I found myself under a pile of close to twenty bodies. Long story short, I nearly died that day. (Good news is no team ever tried piling on top of me – if they had I WOULD be dead!!)

My dress sense isn’t off. You don’t just know the struggle of finding items of clothing and shoes that fit. (You’re right – I don’t! But, my pants are always too long! Hemmiing is easier than trying to add inches.) Don’t be that asshole that’s counting the number of my outfits. Talking about “you like this shoe oh”. My friend, it’s my only shoe, shut up. I have to make all my shoes, plus they cost a fortune. It’s not that I planned to look homeless, it’s the market. (Nanni, nanni, nanni – I can buy the display shoes; they always put size 5’s on the rack. They’re cuter!!) 

There are many positive being a giant shrimp. You can randomly give someone a knock during a parade and they’ll never guess it’s you (you do it from on top, I can do it from underneath). But know this, Giants Shrimpy folks are some of the kindest, warmest, most caring and all-around welcoming people you’ll ever meet (That’s an area of commonality, for sure!). The idea isn’t really to talk down on you, it’s just how it is. (I talk up to you gladly!) It does help that people “lookup” to me and I promise to not disappoint. (I love looking up at you. One of my most fun boyfriends in high school was 6’4″ … they called us Mutt & Jeff. Mom had to put a stool out on the porch so I could reach up high enough for a good-night kiss.)

Get yourself a giant (Not a bad idea!  Get yourself a shrimp!)

Gottfried JanBeek